Monday, June 7, 2010

Review: Splice


** Apologies in advance for the language used in this review. I am fired up and mad that I wasted $11.50 today so I'm gonna let loose a bit**

Splice is a huge steaming turd of a film from the fucked-up mind of director Vincenzo Natali that is without a doubt one of the worst films of the past decade. I went into this film thinking it would have a nice sci-fi edge and entertain me for two hours. Unlike watching Maximus in Gladiator, I was definitely NOT entertained.

The plot (which I will happily reveal all of in hopes of preventing anyone else from seeing this movie) revloves around Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley who play scientists that are in a relationship and are world-renowned for splicing genes of various animals to produce new species for use in scientific research. They end up making two slug looking creatures that help generate funding for their ongoing research. Elsa (Polley) wants to try to create a human/animal hybrid and finally convinces Clive (Brody) to do so. I should have known early on that a movie with Clive and Elsa as the main character names would be a waste of my time.

The human hybrid is a success and we see this kinda cool little duck-like creature with weird legs and a football shaped head (if the football was pointed at you, not like Stewie from Family Guy). That creature is cute enough and for a moment you think the movie may be half-good. But then that cute little creature grows rapidly to be a young teenage woman with four fingers on each hand and a fucking tail with a spike in it. Her legs are like the legs of the aliens in The Arrival (click here to see what I'm talkin' bout). For some stupid reason, Elsa calls her Dren (NERD spelled backwards. NERD is the acronym for their fucked-up science research corporation). We find out later that Elsa put her DNA into Dren and she cares for her like the daughter she always wanted. Except this daughter has retractable wings, can breathe underwater and speaks in little owl hoot tones. It's like they blindly threw some genes into a smoothie machine.

I considered walking out on this shit storm of a movie about 4 or 5 times. Let me tell you exactly what these moments were (again, you're not going to see this movie):

1. A scene in which Dren is freaking out and Elsa (with terrible acting by Polley) tells Clive to "do something" and when he asks she says "I don't know, just do something". Right, when a deer/fish/giraffe/human creature is freaking out and going ape shit, "do something" is a good enough command. So Clive tries to drown Dren and kill her (I was rooting for this to happen). But then they realize she can breathe underwater and Elsa thinks Clive is a hero. DAMN IT!

2. When Elsa gives Dren her special Barbie doll from when she was a child. Super fucking cheesy and lame. Keep in mind this creature does not at all resemble a normal little girl.

3. When Clive comes home and decides to turn on some music and then dances with Dren. I really almost got out of my seat here. It was so forced and totally gay.

4. (These last two are the best) When Clive decides he wants to have sex with this animal/human/Elsa-child creature. We see the creature topless for a while and a full on detailed sex scene which everyone in the audience is totally cringing over. To top it off, Elsa walks in at the end of the encounter (much to the delight and laughter of the audience). This was the funniest part of the movie actually. Then we see him shirtless chase after Elsa as she drives away and we're actually supposed to FEEL something for these characters. The acting is so damn wooden overall that I cared nothing about anyone on screen.

5. The coup de gras (I figure the movie was almost over at this point so why not stick it out) occurred right after Clive and Elsa had buried a dying Dren in the dirt. Dren pops out of her grave a few hours later and (SURPRISE!!) is now a MAN. Her breasts have turned into pecs and her face is different. Quickest sex change EVER! And not only that, but this male version of Dren is angry and pummels Clive and his friends and then proceeds to RAPE Elsa. I shit you not. This actually happened.

So in this movie, a scientist puts her DNA in a human/animal hybrid and the hybrid grows to be a teenage girl in a few months then proceeds to fuck the scientist's boyfriend, change into a man and rape the scientist herself in a matter of weeks. How come this wasn't advertised during the preview? And how come idiots on Rotten Tomatoes gave this poop stain of a movie a 74% fresh rating? WTF?

Of course the kicker is that Elsa is pregnant now at the end of the movie with her mutant daughter-son's demon child. Brilliant! ZERO JR's for Splice. No need to even post a graphic on this review. I'm planning on seeing Get Him to the Greek later this week to get this taste out of my mouth.

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